I still take my garbage to the dump. I am too cheap to pay to have it picked up, and I actually LIKE going to the dump. So yesterday I am hauling a big plastic bag of household debris out of the trunk when a young woman scampered up and offered to help.

I thanked her politely and said I could get it myself, but she reached for it anyway. “Oh, let me!” she exclaimed, all joy and sunshine. “I know what it’s like.”  She grabbed one end of the bag.

I thought we were having a female bonding moment until she said the next thing: “I live with my elderly mother and I’m used to helping.”

ELDERLY? “I’m fine,” I assured her. Elderly? I grabbed the other end of the bag.

“Don’t be silly.” She smiled at me kindly. “I can help. I’m used to it. This is too heavy for you at your age.” AT MY AGE?

She began to tug, and for a split second I considered tugging back, but I remembered the kitty litter and envisioned the plastic exploding and the cat shit, coffee grounds, and potato peelings that would settle in our hair. I let her have it and she tossed it in the garbage pit.

I wanted to punch her.

“Any more?” She shouldered her way past me back to the car and dragged another bag out of the trunk.  I wanted to grab the back of her neck and smash her face against the roof of the car, maybe break her nose. Elderly, my butt. How about you come run 5 miles with me, lard-ass?

She chattered on cheerily. “I’ve been living with my mother for a few years now and I know how hard it is to be getting old and not getting help.”

I’m more concerned about not getting laid, I thought as I watched her unload the trunk, my hands twitching.

She looked helpfully at me, wiped her hands on the seat of her pants.  “Look, you ever need any help, you could call me.”

“No,no,” I demurred. “You’ve been enough help. Thanks. Really.  Thanks a lot.”  I became aware that I was clenching and unclenching my hands. When she walked away, I decided she did have a big butt.

Elderly, my fucking ass.